Did you know being “a Karen” is a thing…a bad thing?!? I had no idea until about a month ago. I grew up knowing exactly what my name meant: ‘pure one’ (totally fitting if you ask me). Now being a Karen (according to Dictionary.com) is a pejorative slang term for an obnoxious, angry, entitled, and often racist middle-aged white woman who uses her privilege to get her way or police other people’s behaviors.

I’m sorry – what!*!* Who can I talk to about this….I’d like to see a manager! Yeah….I know….it hurts me too….Karens were the foundation of my generation…four of my closest high school friends were Karens (we should talk about the originality of the baby boomer generation in naming their offspring sometime), so naturally with all my extra free-thinking time these days ….I’ve come up with a plan…a “Karen” marketing plan.

But first…Benjamin is doing amazing and we have been discharged back to the hotel. I had a good look at his back today (ugh…I am so not cut out for this!!!) – no bumps or lumps, so we should be good to go. (sidenote: anytime you’re with hospital staff and they look at his back they’re like – wow! it looks great!”….ummmm….noooo…it looks like someone hacked him open with a razor blade and taped him back together with that super strong scotch tape – the one with lines through it…and I think we should talk more about what ‘nice’ looks like….ugh…..gross. Anyways, we will be flying home in a few days. Interestingly, Ben is actually SUPER sensitive in his back right now, which is new to us. It could be that so much trauma has happened there this year that his brain has built in a protection response. Taking his dressing off was challenging as even the slightest touch causes him to cringe in pain. If it continues, the doctor has told me what steps to take to work on desensitizing the area – it’s really just brain training at this point. We will work on finding a way to turn off that response. Of course it could just be that he was hacked open with a razor blade a few days ago…that seems pretty valid too. Having said that, he is still his ‘cup is half full’ self. We are both exhausted from our short hospital stay and are looking forward to getting back to our own beds. The doctor did mention that he wanted to do another surgery on Ben in the future (after he grows a bit) to see what else we can do about that neck, but I refuse to think about it until I have about 150 bottles of wine in me. He has grown quite a bit since his surgery four months ago, which is great…it means his rods are doing their job and growing with him (except for the part where they tried to grow out of him….) Ummmm….I don’t know….I think I will just continue being paranoid for the next 10 years or so.

Ok…back to Karen marketing…I’ve used a circular flow chart to help demonstrate the tenets of my Karen Marketing Campaign.

Positive Imaging – The first step is just a straight marketing of good deeds. It’s holding the door open for people at the grocery store and when they say “thank you”, we need to respond with a straight-forward “you’re welcome – I’m a Karen”. This will also work on the ‘pay-it’forward’ drive thru system where you pay for the person behind you; however, it is critical that we tell the drive-thru person to tell the person behind that “a Karen bought this for you”. It’s critical that all of us Karens look for these good deed marketing opportunities throughout the day.

Modify Behaviours – The next step is a full systemic suppression of Karen(ish) behaviours. This is also called the ‘suck it up phase’ which is similar to the ‘first year of dating someone new phase’. It is critical at this point that we think before we speak and suppress our biological urges to point out the (obvious) flaws in society. It is also important to suppress facial muscles as most Karen’s faces are the flags of their dissatisfaction. If you ever have an opportunity to play poker with a Karen – run with it – you’ll make some money. This is crucial. So, when a plate of food comes to the table with a hair in it, you are going to have to either a) eat it, or b) tell the waiter “this looks great, but I changed my mind”. It’s gonna be tough, but we’re going to have to take some hits here.

Stereotypical Reform – Finally, we will need to step into our new stereotype a bit in order to produce the changes we wish to see. You still should ask to speak to the manager – this is critical as the public will be expecting this, but when you do, you need to follow up with a “I just wanted to let you know how wonderful the service is here” or “I really thought that meal was exquisite” always followed by “oh….I’m a Karen…by-the-way.

Be careful out there Karens! And don’t think you’re safe Tinas, Sharons, Deborahs, and Sherris…they could come for you next. And Kyles…we should talk.

On a totally unrelated topic (did I mention I have a lot of free-thinking time while I’m NOT sleeping in hospitals) I wonder if strippers have to wear masks and if they do, do they take them off during their show…like show a little top lip, then pull it back up, then maybe a bottom-lip…a hint of nose? I’m not sure…everything I know about strippers I’ve learned from Demi Moore…but it’s interesting to think about.